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Canada
::"'Ey Nickeel, how 'bout we have a seat on my chesterfield and watch some hockey, eh? We can eat poutine and smoke pot afterwards, don'cha know. Oh, you need a serviette... there, Bob's your uncle." :::—The Average Canadian Canada, or Greenland's Mexico, also known as America's Canada, is a dangerous country full of bears and French-Canadians. It is not, as some people think, "the 51st State." The country was once under the rule of liberals, but thanks to Stephen Colbert's brave activism, the Canadian people wisely elected Wayne Gretzky as their first-ever conservative Governor. National Psychology While thought to be a peaceable country, Canada is actually an inwardly seething nation quietly planning an appropriate means of seizing world domination. There's only so many "eh", "igloo" and "hoser" jokes one can take. Plus, the weather sucks in Canada, and that's bound to make for some bad days. International Plans Using their bountiful supply of bears, beavers, and angry hockey players, their plan is to sneak upon the nation of Turkey in the middle of the night and subsequently claim ownership. Once claimed, Turkey will be renamed "Chicken" (Jeremy Hotz) and Sloan music videos will be played 24/7. If the weather's nice there, the Canadians may decide to stay in Chicken while thawing their frostbite before moving on to Russia (aka - Hortonville). Geography Canada is also extremely big, having a total area of 19,978,647,125 square miles. And unlike the greatest nation on the planet, Canada is divided into provinces and territories rather than states, making it not only dangerously enormous, but also geographically retarded. Such provinces include Manitoba, known for its alarming number of bears and liberal French-Canadians who hate America and want to "impeach the president" replacing him with tree-hugging, commie-fascist Neil Young. Politics Jean Chrétien was Prime President of Canada for a really long time. The highlights of her career were when she choked a reporter and when she had a pie thrown in her face with the words "Pie Minister" written on it. Half of her face is paralyzed, which made for hilarious impressions of her on CBC's two political skit comedy shows, 'This Hour has 22 Minutes' and 'Royal Canadian Air Farce'. Canadians are ruthlessly insensitive to people with disabilities. Chretien is also credited with popularizing the language 'Frenglish'' (a combination of French and English incomprehensible to anyone of either tongue.) Culture Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada is home to the hardcore punk band, DOA. DOA are very unamerican. They have a song called 'Fucked Up Reagan' and an alternate version called 'Fucked Up Bush', along with many anti-war and anti-industrialism songs, not to mention, they're not from America. They also have a song called 'America the Beautiful' which includes these lyrics: ''Lock your doors, lock it tight It's the new immoral right They wanna cleanse the home of the brave For the master race of the USA" This group alone warrants an immediate invasion of Canada. 845,000 Canadians die each day as a direct result of Socialized medicine. Not to mention most of them don't know how to spell "Honor". Socialism doesn't work. Crimes Against Humanity *Inserting extra unnecessary letters, specifically O and U, into words where they don't belong. *Intentionally mispronouncing words such as: about, house, out, against, and sorry. They do this because only other Canadians can understand a thing they talk "aboot". They need to speak American like the rest of the world does. *Thinking they invaded the United States during the War of 1812. The Canadians (not the French) thought they burned down half of the White House, which subsequently had to be repainted. In reality, they accidentally invaded the north pole, set fire to an igloo and stepped on a penguin. *Housing and providing sanctuary to many bears including the vile polar grizzly. Like Lebanon, Canada serves as a safe haven from which Bears, like Hezbollah, can attack at will into America and wreak havoc on our northern states, such as Washington, Idaho, and North Dakota. Bears are allowed to roam freely on the streets of Canadian cities, and the town of Victoria, British Colombia has even erected monuments to these "Bearorists." *Playing home to French-Canadians, Nickelback, Celine Dion, Bryan Adams, and half of Keanu Reeves *Having "Free" health care (sneaky Canadians) *Having a PM (Prime Minister) named Jean Chretien *Inventing curling *Sending humanitarian aid to New Orleans after hurricane Katrina sooner than the US because they have nothing better to do. *Not forcing Robbie Robertson to go home, against the wishes of the UN. *Compressing the USA down into a less magnificent size with the gigantic weight of their ice and politeness, all to claim that THEY are the second largest country in the world. Bastards. *Not supporting American troops....because they are draft dodgers and bear petters. *Banning all guns, in favor of hockey sticks. *Measuring temperature in Celsius, instead of the American way, Fahrenheit! *Spawning such heartless killing the machines as the bear, Celine Dion, Curling, and the claim that ham is their own bacon. *Introducing the world to the backwards talk of the hated French-Canadians, who originally coined the word "les biens", referring to their many happy sisters *Inferior (and possibly deadly) Xanax. *Saying "eh" after everything which is also used to talk to bears Activism Help make Canada more like the U.S. by lending your support to the following plans of the Conservative Governor, Stephen Harper. *Extend the Mission in Afghanistan Until the Taliban-Supported Drug Lords surrender *Occupy Vancouver *Oppose the new Clean Air Bill. (50% Reduction of emission by 2050? Not Possible!) *Expand the Annual Seal Hunt to include French Canadians *Expand the Annual French Canadian Hunt to include Nova Scotians *Cutting public school funding, so children never learn the "metric" system *Cut funding to womens programs and remove the word "equality" from any document proclaiming the goals of womens movements. *Cut taxes for the rich, raise them for the poor, and then lower the poverty line. You end up with less tax on voters, more tax on non voters, and fewer poor people. Its win-win-win. Tourism "Canada? Why would you want to leave America to visit America Junior?" (See: The Simpsons) See Also *French-Canadian *Quebec *Montreal Canadiens *Quebecois language